#1 daughter and I went back to my stepfather’s apartment to finish clearing out his belongings. We took gloves and a shovel and got it pretty much finished. I put the cleaning supplies under the bathroom sink and we left a couple of cardboard boxes. Some furniture, too, but I think his roomie will find that useful.

We’ll be sending carpet cleaners in. My husband said we couldn’t use our vacuum there.

We still have a gathering in celebration of my stepfather’s life to go to. Then I must make soup and bread for a congregational meeting tomorrow. Monday we have someone coming to haul away half a dozen mattresses in our garage and then the termite people are coming in the afternoon.

I am not feeling sad or angry (#1 daughter has reached that point). I am feeling weak. All these things have gotten pushed together in my feelings, if not my mind, and I feel like I have to survive the whole schlemozzle. Maybe Tuesday I will feel better.

Maybe not. #1 daughter said this is the end of the family, and she is right. I have a sister in New Zealand, a niece and a nephew, an aunt and uncle in Missouri, a couple of first cousins, and assorted family at the second cousin level and beyond. But now I’m the beginning of the family, with my children and grandchildren as the branches. The family I grew up in is, apart from Facebook, gone. That’s not the end.

I feel weak. Like I can’t cope with anything. There were leftovers to heat up for lunch. Now I’m knitting and binge watching The West Wing. I actually might have done that anyway, but I feel like I couldn’t actually do anything else.

***

We went to the celebration and people were very nice. A group of ladies gave us a quilt they made, in recognition of my stepfather’s military service. That was very kind of them.

I am home now.I am going to be as self-indulgent and kind to myself as possible this evening. That’s the plan.

***

I made nachos. I bought a novel even though I have literally hundreds of cozy mysteries in my Kindle waiting for review. Buying a novel was probably wasteful, but it was also self-indulgent, which was the goal. I greatly appreciate #1 daughter for seeing me through this.