The bad thing about my anti-agoraphobia program is that it requires doing things to which I have an aversion. Lots of them. Just imagine if you had to do stuff you disliked doing, four days every week. Well, I realize that many people have this experience with their exercise program. But suppose you had to do things against which you had an unreasonable aversion — that is, a degree of distress out of the normal response. As you can imagine, this is kind of messing up my life. I wake up every day dreading the unpleasant thing I have scheduled for myself.
The good thing is that I am getting lots of things done which I have procrastinated about doing. I now have an up-to-date drivers license, for example, and by noon I will have had a haircut. Also, the program is working. It is true that I am still dreading the “exercises,” but I am doing them, and really not suffering from them unduly. Tonight I will be driving to an unfamiliar and distant location, on the freeway, alone. If it should snow, I will have a complete aversion experience. While I am not looking forward to doing this, I am going to do it, and I am expecting to find that it is not that bad. I look forward to finishing the program, so that I can quit building unpleasant things into my day, and I also look forward to being able to go to things I want to go to — I do want to attend the concert tonight — without having to go through anticipatory anxiety for weeks ahead. Not to mention the scariness of actually doing it. Even so, I have to admit that the prospect of doing this is causing me to enjoy my Saturday quite a bit less than I usually do.
Still, it is a beautiful day. Once I have been to the hairdresser and the meat market and the Co-op, and done the housework, I will have several hours in which to enjoy my book and knitting. Here is Hopkins. I have scrunched it up so that it will not be obvious that it continues to be a gray rectangle. You can only post just so many pictures of a gray rectangle, after all. It is very nice and soft, though, and perfect for knitting while reading.
I was looking back through my xanga to find where I had posted #2 daughter’s evening wrap, for Bamboo Needles, who is wanting to make a simple, light shawl. (September 10th, 2004, in case you are looking for such a thing yourself). I could not help noticing how often I mention housework. Not because I have something significant to say about housework, but just as a sort of punctuation — I am going to do it, or I have done it, or I am behind with it, or I am caught up with it.
This is of course one of the realities of life for a mom. Either you do housework, or you live in squalor. It reminded me of this song: “The Housewife’s Lament.” I don’t know how old a song this is, but I remember when I learned it that the verse that really struck me was this one:
“Last night in my dreams I was stationed forever
On a far distant isle in the midst of the sea
My one chance of life was a ceaseless endeavor
To sweep off the waves as they swept over me”
Sometimes it seems that way, doesn’t it?