We’re up at 4:00 a.m. again today. I don’t remember the last time my husband was called in to work on a Sunday, but I guess we shouldn’t complain. Overtime helps pay the tuition bills. We were also able to help the boys out witht heir spring break plans. #2 son is already on spring break, at the Ultimate Frisbee festival (probably the wrong word) in Georgia. #1 son is going on a long canoeing and backpacking trip next week. I may go on a road trip myself, if I can catch up enough on my work.
I worked yesterday, and got quite a bit done, but not everything by any means. I failed to call the web design firm I was supposed to call yesterday afternoon, I failed to get my Aussies’ blog done, I failed to complete the trade show materials for the insurance company, I failed to finish the stuff for the large non-profit organization, and I didn’t get all the grading done. I did grade quite a lot of stuff (I’m letting the class that ends this week turn in late papers this weekend, so there’s a flood). I did site analysis for the West Coast guys, and I hope they like my work. I also worked on a current internal issue — what productivity tools should we use? We’re trying to get project management, customer relationship management, and accounting/billing tools settled. That is, our PM, CRM, and T&E. I want to arrange a perfect system for under $100 a month. If it gets more costly than that, I’ll begin to feel as though I could just hire somebody to do that stuff. And while we’re searching for the ideal, it’s hard not to feel as though I could have done a whole lot of billable work in the time it’s taking to work out a system.
My custom software guy does this for people: for $50,000 to $100,000 or so, he’ll come in and create a completely customized, completely integrated system for you. I bet it’s worth it. Not in my budget, obviously, but worth it.
And then, having done no housework, grocery shopping, or exercise, I collapsed on the sofa and watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, while #1 son called out for pizza. My husband collapsed on the floor nearby and fell asleep.
I realize that the ongoing saga of the breakdown of my private life — if things like my health and home count as private life — is boring. I assure you, it’s boring to me, too. But I don’t know what the solution is.
I think I used to have spells of this, times like Back to School when things were pretty grim, but then things would improve, or get back to normal or something. For a while, I figured that’s what was happening: I was unemployed and job hunting, and then I was getting my business underway, and things were going to improve.
But they haven’t.
I could give up. That is, I could just accept that work is my life, eliminate everything else, and live in squalor. I really enjoy my work, and there are plenty of people in my field who do just that. It doesn’t really seem like a good plan, though. I’m too old to ignore my health that thoroughly without consequences, and I probably couldn’t ignore my family that thoroughly without consequences, either. Plus, I have other stuff I like to do.
And in theory, I could set work hours from 9 to 5 (well, not and teach 7:30 classes, but you know what I mean), do only as much as I can during those hours, and conduct a normal life around those work hours. That really seems as though it ought to work. It works on paper: make a schedule, fit everything in, and stick to it. I just haven’t succeeded at doing it yet.
I think of myself as a capable and disciplined person. Normally, when I have a goal, I figure that I can just put it on my list and accomplish it. I don’t get terribly disheartened by failure, but I also don’t really know what to do about such persistent, complete failure. Continuing to approach it in the same way I have been doesn’t seem reasonable. I mean, it hasn’t worked yet, so why would I think it would suddenly start working?
Hmm. Well, today I have to sing in both church services, and I still have all that work to do, and I promised I’d do the grocery shopping, so I guess I’ll spend some time with Wii Fit and have a proper breakfast and then dig in. Perhaps some inspiration will strike me in the course of all this.
I vividly remember feeling exactly the way you feel, many times, and you have my sympathy. I always lived through it and managed somehow, and I’m confident that you will do the same. It seems to me that your first goal should be to take on only as much work as you can actually get done, without worrying that if you turn something down the world will end. I don’t think you’d be comfortable living in squalor, so you need a housework schedule too — again, only what you can actually, realistically, get done. And maybe you could cut back on some of your “extracurricular” activities?
I guess I like reading your blog because I can relate to your boring dilemmas 😉 I wanted to be a freelance/independent writer so that I could have “flexibilty” – but I feel more constrained and overworked and spend less time on myself and on fun stuff than when I was a grad student or was teaching full-time. And with young kids in the house it’s impossible to fit it into a regular work day, so the work flows into any available open space.
There’s an old Chinese curse that goes: May you live in interesting times.
There’s a reason it’s called a curse and not a blessing.
Have a happy life and continue to bore us.
I second Ozarque’s advice.