One of the pastors said, as we were arranging the memorial service and columbarium and whatnot, that my grief over my mother was a cumulative grief. I was shocked at the idea, but I think she’s right. Once there were six people in my birth family, as there are in my current immediate family, and now there are just two of us. My sister lives half the world away and I may never see her again, so the loss of my mother leaves me quite alone — although really not, since I have a husband and children, friends and colleagues. Still, our emotions in some ways separate from our rational view of reality.

I had been pretty much over the crying and had in fact on Friday thought to myself that I felt quite normal, if still a bit absent-minded. But this new view of things pushed me back to random teariness. Thus, even though it was a gorgeous day yesterday, I spent a lot of time being emotional. I feel as though I should say I wasted a lot of time being emotional, but we have to do it at some point, don’t we?

I made it to the bookstore and the grocery, ate “comfort food” (and I’m up 4 oz today), and did so little housework that I’ll be living in squalor this week.

But I also got started on #1 son’s sweater. I’m using a Donegal tweed from King Cole. I ordered this from a super authentic seeming British yarn shop, but it turned out to be a wool/viscose/acrylic blend from Turkey. The pattern is from Men’s Knits by Erika Knight, which has been the source of a number of satisfying knits for my menfolks already.

The tweed would knit up at 3 stitches per inch as the pattern wants it to, but #1 son wants a very tight, thick fabric. I got it down to 7 stitches to the inch but no further, and ended up casting on 100 stitches at 5/inch. I’m relying on The Knitter’s Handy Book of Sweater Patterns by Ann Budd for sizing and math, though I plan to use the original pattern as a guide for style.

If I get a good bit of the sweater done before #1 son arrives for the memorial service, I can check the fit.

As I knitted, I watched Death in Paradise. I’m really enjoying it. It’s filmed in Guadeloupe. An ancestor of mine was born there, and I’m finding it interesting to see the landscape. I have to work today, I have a meeting to attend, and I hope to make it to church, though I will not be able to stay there if I start crying again. I can’t do public emotion. In any case, I hope to continue with knitting a wooly sweater while watching an Englishman’s quest to find a good cup of tea on a Caribbean island.