So here it is, the 4th. You have been following all your healthy resolutions, getting to the gym every day, eating steel-cut oats for breakfast, a bit of chicken and lots of vegetables for dinner, coming home from choir practice and not having any cake, possibly because there isn’t any left, but still — you are in danger of becoming smug.
Ladies, I have the solution to this problem.
Take a 15 year old boy to the gym with you.
Not a weak and weedy one, of course, nor one of those beefy ones that plays football. No, for the best effect on your smugness, you should choose a boy about your own height, but lighter. I picked a boy who does gymnastics and climbing.
He will do 70 lbs at the bicep curl machine, causing his biceps to jump around like little animals under his skin, and then lightly hop off the bench and switch the weights to 30 lbs for you to work in. Your biceps will not leap about like small animals.
Go all the way around the weight room, so he can do way more weight than you at nearly every station.
It is a good plan to do these things in front of the mirrors, so that you can see your own face getting red and your eyes bugging out, while the boy has a slight frown of concentration as he bench presses.
Following your gym visit — and don’t forget to warm up and cool down on the treadmills, so he can run lissomely and chat to you while you try to keep up with the 4 miles an hour pace on your machine — he will want to eat a couple of cheeseburgers and a batch of cookies and a chocolate protein shake.
He is is trying to bulk up.
This will cure you of your smugness.
Now that I am cured of all smugness, I have another helpful hint to offer you. You know how the underwire of an otherwise perfectly good bra will break, threatening you with being stabbed in the chest with a piece of steel, and also with potential asymmetry if you really rely on that underwire? You can hie yourself down to your local fabric store and buy a new pair of underwires. Just cut a hole in the underwire channel and pull the old one out, and then push the new one in. Your bra will be good as new.