Today I am going to save you a lot of money.

Not by telling you about the sidewalk sale at our store this Saturday — we are having one, but I don’t think that information will help you much. I mention it only because it is one of the few areas in which The Poster Queen and I really disagree with The Empress. We hold sales to get rid of stuff, and we really lower the prices. We sell things at or below our cost. Many stores hold fake sales, in which they lower intentionally inflated prices to a reasonable level, as a marketing device. We have real sales, but then we don’t tell anyone about it. I think The Empress feels that people who would have shopped with us anyway are the only ones who deserve these bargains.

The Poster Queen and I try to get the word out a bit, but this is one of those cases in which advertising is the only sensible approach, and The Empress opposes advertising. So it makes me feel a little better to mention it here.

The Empress and I will be out there at 8:00 a.m. I have already told her I am bringing my knitting.

No, I am going to save you money by telling you how to make your own trendy skirt.

This skirt, from a popular young people’s clothing store, will set you back enough to feed a family of four for a week. Notice that there is no hem on this skirt — it is “distressed,” which means that it looks like a rag as soon as you buy it.

And yes, moms, it is as indecent as it appears to be. The model’s shirt covers her navel, and she is still left showing all that skin. You are not going to let her wear it to school, are you? The model is turning 21 in a couple of weeks, and goes to school in another state, so I can’t stop her.

But you can have this skirt entirely free. If you want to show all that skin, choose some jeans that are too large for you. Otherwise, find a pair of old jeans that fits.

This pair has been worn by a guy who jumped off the tractor to kill snakes, climbed under the car to repair the transmission, and otherwise really moved around in them. If you do not know any guys like this, here is your chance. Go around town asking for people’s rattiest jeans until you find a suitable pair. You may also meet a useful man or woman at the same time.  But since they only have to fit you for about one foot of length, you can use guy’s or girl’s jeans.

Cut off the legs. Take out the seam at the crotch (non-U.S. speakers may very well use the term “gusset” here) and flatten it. Sew it to make the front and back flat. I have not yet, in these pictures, ragged up the edges, but you can do it by pulling at them till they fray. Pull out several strands and — to make it look just like the ready-made one — leave some threads hanging down at the back.

There. You’ve updated your fall wardrobe for nothing. Wear some tights under them, okay? And a long shirt.